Testaments to the Boom Times to Come (Posts tagged JUPITER ASCENDING)

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Dear femalemaincharacter I AM SO GLAD YOU HAVE ASKED ME THIS QUESTION. Tumblr [redacted] ate my first [redacted] try at answering this, which is a loss for us all because it featured many unfiltered expressions of joy. HOWEVER. IT IS MY SWORN DUTY AND GENUINE PLEASURE TO ANSWER IT AGAIN.

DID YOU KNOW that bees can sense royalty? Yes, it’s true. I, like you, would be far poorer without the knowledge Jupiter Ascending has provided regarding bee superpowers.* This is just one of the MANY delights Jupiter Ascending has in store for you.

[Pictured: Bees sensing ROYALTY. Not Pictured: Good CGI]

Does this movie have a plot? Kind of?? Does it matter AT ALL? Not in the slightest. Not even A LITTLE. Are you concerned that Mila Kunis, AKA Jupiter Jones AKA the universe’s most laconic Reincarnated Space Princess is covered in bees? Well, don’t worry. Channing Tatum and his stick-on goatee made of Justin Timberlake’s hair circa 1999 are here to help:

[Pictured: Premier Face Wig Technology. Not Pictured: The stick of SPACE EYELINER he must keep in his pants.]

His eyeliner now features in a drinking game created by carrionlaughing alwaysalreadyangry hellotailor eleveninches and myself, in which we drink when it changes mid-scene. He is a ‘half-albino’** genetically engineered space marine/werewolf who ~needs a pack~ and I for one am into it.

[Pictured: “The Finest Soldier In The Legion. Not Pictured: An explanation of what The Legion is or how it functions. Are they mercenaries? Do they work for a government?***]

He spends like half this movie being ridden like a pony by JJ**** while he skates around on ANTIGRAVITY ROLLERBLADES. How can anyone not love this? It’s so STUPID. I wept tears of joy.

SPEAKING OF STUPID, let’s talk about Sean Bean in this movie, because his entire function is to spout semi-coherent exposition and to punch Channing Tatum in the face one time, then to grapple manfully with him while Jupiter watches appreciatively. We are all Jupiter Jones in this moment. He’s part bee. We know this because his house is always covered in and surrounded by bees. Honey drips down the walls. (I feel you man. Honey is expensive.) HIS NAME IS STINGER.

[Pictured: Today’s Moment Of Steampunk. Not Pictured: Any bee-releated powers at all. Are they on the cutting room floor?***** Also Not Pictured: people freaking out about some guy always travelling with a cloud of bees. Do people just… not notice? Are they a Bee Force Field?! I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION.******]

Jupiter accepts she’s a Space Royal much in the same way that Billy The Kid in Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure accepts the reality of time travel: she kind of just shrugs it off and gets into the groove, much in the way I did immediately upon sitting down in the movie theater with a gallon tub of popcorn. DID YOU KNOW that this movie passes the Bechdel Test? It totally does. Bonus points for some equal-opportunity semi-nudity and also a spaceship crewed by these guys:

[Pictured: Captain Tsing taking none of your shit. Not Pictured: Me fistpumping, spilling popcorn down my shirt]

Yes, that IS a Lady Captain flanked by a robot with a human face and a man with an elephant head. Does our drinking game include a round where we drink when Elephant Guy gets a close-up for the express purpose of trumpeting wildly? Yes. Yes it does.

But now, the thing you are clearly here for, the main event, the Performance Of A Lifetime.

[Pictured: visible spit drops******* Not Pictured: Eddie Redmayne’s agent weeping tears of blood.]

Words cannot express to you the sheer joy I experienced while sitting next to carrionlaughing and cackling madly to myself. (Thanks carrionlaughing for not punching me in the arm, I appreciate you as a friend and comrade.)

Does he spend nearly all his screentime in this movie whispering archly to an army of lizards? Yes. Does he settle artfully into a settee from which he can view his empire in the depths of Jupiter’s hurricane?******** Yes. Does he wear a sleeve-cape thing with a high metal collar and a boob window? He absolutely does. When he isn’t whispering to his lizard army about his Evil Plans, he is SHOUTING MADLY about how much he LOVED HIS MOTHER and his hair is coming down into Backstreet Boy curtains. Everything is wonderful and nothing hurts.

Don’t just take my word for it. Listen to Mark Kermode. He is a professional:

“Top marks go to evil space royal Eddie Redmayne, whose breathy ennui is offset by bouts of mummy’s boy shrieking, all delivered with a “petite-mort” look on his face that suggests he is being fellated by eternity itself.” - The Guardian

Fucking majestic.

Want to know what else is fucking majestic? I have a whole laundry list of things about this movie I loved. Channing Tatum wrestles a dragon. Jupiter Jones is into being called “Your Majesty.” She punches Eddie Redmayne in the face. She kind of decides that her werewolf spaceman is HERS dammit and will save him or whatever. This is a Girl-gets-the-guy movie, and not the other way around. Did I mention she punches Eddie Redmayme in the face? She does. It is glorious.

Is it perfect? [Maniacal laughter] No.

This movie features plot threads dropped at random, a wanton disregard for vacuum physics, timelines and how breathing works, and nobody’s character motivation makes sense even slightly.

Did I love it? Fuck yes. I loved it as much as Jupiter Jones loves dogs.

[Pictured: The Universe’s Greatest Come On. Not Pictured: my soul briefly exiting my body to exist in a cloud of mirth before being sucked back in with the piece of popcorn I was choking on. Also Not Pictured: Irony.]

We all do, Jupiter. We all do.

Can I truly, in good conscience, tell you this movie is ‘good?’ [Insert gif of me cackling] No. But as Tumblr User sashayed has done such an incredible job expressing, it is exactly the kind of garbage I love.

Have any of you seen the video of Oscar The Grouch from Sesame Street singing about how much he Loves Trash? That is the song of my heart, forever and at this moment.

—

* You can bet your ass that if I ever encounter A Royal I will stare into their majestic, inbred eyes and softly ask “did you know bees can sense royalty?” It will be worth security escorting me out.

** He’s half albino because his hair only goes white at the tips.

*** Does it matter? NO.

**** Get it girl

***** Give me the director’s cut or give me death. Give me the excruciating detail behind EXACTLY WHAT ANGLE you felt would best suit Channing Tatum’s ass while he was Space Roller Blading. Explain to me how sound travels in space. Tell me earnestly about the emotional impact this scene is entirely failing to convey. Expose to me the truth that you just filmed Livejournal circa 2002 so I can take off my tinhat. Let it rain down on me.

****** I really, truly don’t.

******* Drink.

******** Not even slightly a euphemism. Five stars.

Testaments to the Boom Times to Come (Posts tagged JUPITER ASCENDING)

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Testaments to the Boom Times to Come

Jupiter Ascending fun fact