I watched six episodes of NBC’s Kings in one day and then went to go see Dark Phoenix, because my brain has absolutely been rewired for garbage. We’re having a great, dumb time here.
THE O.T., Part THE WHOLE LAST HALF OF IT
1x08
Um hold on ‘The Sabbath Queen’ was actually fucking GOOD? This episode is really a tremendous piece of evidence in my unwavering position that everything gets better when you add magical realism. Also electrical blackouts. I mean it’s still The O.T., very much, very stupid, but also it RULED. One of the scene transitions caused the following two killer romantic lines to be delivered back-to-back and I howled: “You’re the only real thing I ever touch” // “You’ve made God into my enemy.” Bellisimo.
Anyway I had sincerely thought Queen Rose was calling Not the Doctor From Firefly “Handsome”, like her little pet name for him, and frankly loved that, but then in this episode Silas said it too and I discover that his name is Hanson. TOO BAD, royals should absolutely call their attractive uptight male colleagues “Handsome”, that is hilarious.
1x09
This show has hit its stride. So much outrageously inane plotting is still happening with the just the hugest leaps of logic the audience is asked to benevolently ignore, but the ~court intrigue~ is really HEATING UP, for lack of a better way to phrase it!! DAMN. And, problematic!!! But daaaammmn!! I feel like I understand why everyone was obsessed Game of Thrones now. An unexpected result me watching NBC’s Kings gotta say.
1x10
God, the plot setups are getting, if possible, even more transparent (introducing: the City Charter McGuffin!!), and so much time with our Dear Dull David has naturally thrown a heavy blanket over the nutso high of the last two, but the Man In Black from Lost showed up as a bartender somewhere in the rough southern districts or whatever and I was thrilled about that for sure.
1x11
Why are trial episodes of non-law shows always a snooze. I mean this one did have a DRAMATIC ENDING, but at what price.
1x12
Well the fact that this show ends on a several episode arc of Jack definitely falling in confused burning love with David sure does explain its enduring appeal w/ The Fans. And y’know what, amending earlier stance, because this actually REALLY WORKS by this point in the story! Like I mean I fully understand why the “starved” (gahh), blasted soul of Jack Benjamin would want to make sweet love with shining David and feel like he’s touched goodness and been touched by goodness in turn, and it’s just fucking extremely perfect that he would, because of course Jack would manage to land in this self-inflicted torture of having a crush on God’s Dimwit, David fucking Shepherd, Gilboa’s most interminable drag, as well as terminally fucking straight. Ha ha oh Jack, poor buddy. You’re so cruel but life is also so cruel to you.
1x13
Well news flash THERE WAS STILL ANOTHER EPISODE LEFT. Jesus christ, things are getting so messy around here. SORRY GUYS!
Anyway. It was always too exhausting for me to try to keep track of these characters’ constantly changing motivations and schemes, but damn this show was consistent about one thing, and that was always being nigh pornographically cruel to villainous little tormented princeling Jack Benjamin. This outlandishly psychosexual punishment Silas metes out to him at the end??? My voice went fucking hoarse.
Meanwhile, Reverend Samuels transitioning into an annoyed ghost who harangues you about God all the time might actually be an improvement in the material this actor gets to play with, though of course it’s a bummer that they went and killed one of the only non-white characters. But this also brings me to another point, which is that the amount of Godtalk in the finale, once literally with God, just unfortunately highlighted the bewildering lack of much Godliness in the rest of the series. This is a retelling of a Biblical/Talmudic story, in which multiple characters variously claim direct communication with the Lord, and yet after the fact that Silas repeatedly mentions that his kingship was literally God-given, and that we’ve inferred there’s a related state-sponsored religion Samuels is in charge of, no one really seems….religious? We only see one instance of prayer and it’s just at a hospital bed without us hearing the words, otherwise they sure as hell don’t seem to devote any time or energy to worship. There’s no daily or weekly rites every depicted, no holidays no traditions no ceremonies, no claims of faith or confessions of doubt, no theological debate or scholarship, really no presence of religion anywhere in these character’s lives, and it’s weird. I would have definitely done that?? Like even if you don’t wanna go deep with it, why isn’t Queen Rose bitchily remarking “I’ll pray for you” to someone at some point? Not even once!
Also, I understand that 2009 was a different time, it was the time of Brokeback Mountain and the continuation of the old pulp paperback rule where you could have queer characters but they must either die or be greatly tormented (knocking it out of the park with these, Kings!), but man, at least the cowboys got to hook up. Sebastian Stan shares one (1) dimly lit closed mouth kiss with one (1) boy in this entire series, and I think I’d need two hands to count the number of girls he kisses in his “show of skirt chasing.” Incidentally though I’ve now Wikipedia’d King David because I am a raised heathen and everything I know about the Abrahamic religions I learned in art history class, and listen all twinks look the same in most artistic traditions so honestly I am always forgetting that David and Daniel are two different boys and not just one single, amazingly put-upon boy constantly facing down giants and lions and whatnot. Anyway no there are two. What was I saying. OH, so I learned that in the text Jack is called Jonathan and that he David became BESTIES, which we all know is scholar-talk for AND MAYBE MORE, so wow this show definitely had plans didn’t it.
In conclusion, no one ever told me why Macaulay Culkin was banished and I cannot believe I’m never gonna know now.
